next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
