I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
