if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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