I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
this hospital has no fireball
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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