I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
