Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize