I hate your face
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
