THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
