my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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