Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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