was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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