My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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