i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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