you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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