My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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