I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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