ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
