I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
A+ Viking dick
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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