I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
