So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I think i got beer on your cat.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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