omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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