You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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