some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
