Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You're a waste of cheezeits
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
