I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
