you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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