god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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