peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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