Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
