It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
