I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize