I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
