I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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