You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
