No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
