I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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