Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize