i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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