Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
