Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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