Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
