I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I faked an abortion last night.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
