He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
