If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
