grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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