final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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