I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
