I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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