peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Randomize
