Just took my morning after pill in the library
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
