Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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