I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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