I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
