I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
