Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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