Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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