It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
