Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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